Last month, when writing about steroids for my post “Cover Models Never Looked So Good”, I surprisingly found myself feeling nostalgic.
I moved to NYC in the fall of ’99. In doing so, I left behind the suburban families at Sunrise Fitness and joined the hard-core bodybuilders at Steel Gym. Overnight I went from being one of the big dudes to barely average sized. Steel Gym was loaded with professional bodybuilders, one ex Mr. Olympia, several future contenders and at least a dozen amateurs weighing over 250 lbs. and ripped. I had been lifting regularly for nearly seven years at that point and grown from a 145lb. fifteen-year-old to a 195lb. 22 yr old. I had always prided myself on being all-natural but was curious about what my body would do with a little extra help. Mostly though, I wanted the self-esteem booster of being one of the big, strong guys again and all of the attention that comes with it (although I wasn’t fully aware of this until years later).
When the local steroid dealer befriended me and offered me some gear at cost, I knew it was only a matter of time until I took the plunge with a syringe. Six weeks later I began my first cycle: 10 ampoules of Duratest 250 and 16 ampoules of Winstrol V.
Huge beefy muscles were very much in fashion in ‘99 and I was doing my best to keep up with the Joneses. When I went to my second job at night to bartend at the local gay bar, sterioded muscle was part of the uniform— no shirts, just slabs of beef. I’ll never forget this one night after closing when we were cleaning up. One of my co-workers came through the bar with a pen and paper announcing,
Who wants some juice? I’m seeing my dealer tomorrow.
It reminded me of my college days doing light construction when a co-worker would call out, “I am heading to the deli. Anybody want anything?”
I experimented with steroids on and off for two and a half years. My weight would fluctuate ten to fifteen pounds between cycles with 219lbs. being my heaviest. My strength and recovery certainly improved and my mood was great, or at least, I thought so. The testosterone made me very aggressive and there was an incident or two in which my dear friend Allen feared for his life during a disagreement with me. And, of course, there was the time that I barreled over some little, old lady for trying to board the crowded 9 train before letting me off, which was just terrible subway etiquette on her part. So I took it upon myself to remind her of proper traffic flow with a firm shoulder as I exited the subway car. Some Eagle Scout I was.
As much as I loved my newfound strength, size and respect for elders, there were a few cons to my steroid use. I had some very unattractive acne, and at times, the water retention in my forearms produced an unbearable pressure on my ulna nerve.
To make things interesting, my new testosterone use dovetailed with a new sex addiction (a topic deserving of its own future post) making for some seriously late nights. Being a very sexual person to begin with, the testosterone put me into overdrive. It was difficult to focus on anything other than sex and quite often getting a good night sleep was not my top priority. Eventually I realized that being too tired for my workout defeated the purpose of me taking steroids in the first place.
As the cons grew and the pros diminished, I gradually began to step back and reevaluate my fitness path. I wanted my body to last another century without having orthopedic surgery or joint replacement. So I began making some major changes in my lifestyle and steroids became a thing of the past.
Steroids served a purpose at that point in my life. They were a band-aid of sorts, giving me confidence and protection. And they got me through until I could develop the self-esteem and courage to face my life without them. I am grateful for this time in my life and have no regrets about it. OK, that’s not totally true. If I could go back, I would probably settle for simply saying, “Excuse me” and rolling my eyes at the elderly woman on the subway.
During the course of writing this post, I’ve wondered why I felt so nostalgic about steroids last month, and it just dawned on me now. I was depressed. This fall was a rough season for me, and I was feeling pretty shitty about myself. Steroids and sex were two things I’d used in the past to band-aid my hurt and the memory of them came flooding back. It was strange: as far as I have come and as long as it has been, remembering the steroid use and the sex brought an uneasy comfort during a time of pain.
Jamie Dreyer is the President of Further Fitness NYC.
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December 15th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
This is a great post. I have often considered steroids in the past, as I found huge muscles to be incredibly sexy. Your personal account of your experience with steroids, along with other personal accounts, has helped me realize that the adverse side effects don’t make using steroids worth it. Keep up the great writing.
December 16th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Your best post yet. Sincere, and witty. Honesty, and irreverent. Wise, and wisecracking. Even touching. And you weaved the ‘old lady’ episode in and out of your narrative expertly. Look forward to seeing you over Xmas.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
I’m quite impressed by your account. It’s been interesting to see your experiences laid out in this form, and has definitely given me some further insight into yourself as well as myself. Keep up the good work, brother.
January 1st, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Hey Jamie,
Good to see you last night. Seems I only see you yearly at David’s New Yrs. party.You gave my boy friend a card and I checked out your site. I read your post on steriod use. I found it really sincere and honest.
Good to hear a real and caring voice. Keep writing.
All the best in 2009
Mark
January 9th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
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