Each week as I am standing at the edge of the pool, I still have to ask myself:

Are you up to the challenge?

As I mentioned in my last post, swimming has always been one of my biggest fears.  Since I was a little girl, I loved being by the water but was trapped— trapped by this fear that I would drown.  I remember my mother always holding my hand as we stood along the edge of the water at the beach telling me to be careful not to go in or I would drown.  I became so paralyzed by this fear that I rarely ventured past my waist even as I grew older.

This spilled over into the rest of my life.  I learned to always give in to my fears.  If I were afraid of something, I would just not do it.  Swimming was one fear. The other was making a life of my own.

From childhood, I always felt that cleaning the house was my only talent.  That is what I was good at, so there wasn’t any reason for me to go after my dreams, let alone have any.  I believed that the same way I believed I would drown if I ventured into the water.   Every decision I made for the next 30 years was based on those beliefs and the fears I had.  I always chose what I thought was safe and predictable.

But then, three years ago, I became a divorced mother of two teenage girls.  I had been married to my high school sweetheart for 20 years and spent many years clinging to the beliefs and fears that stemmed from my childhood.  And yet, this had not kept me from drowning in marriage.  So I finally decided to face my fear and move forward.

As I stand on the edge of the pool, I ask myself, “Are you up to the challenge?”  I close my eyes as I picture myself jumping off the edge into the crystal blue water:

YES I AM!

Maribel Torres lives, writes, and swims in New York.

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One Response to “Standing at the Edge”

1. Never gymless (part 7) « No Magic Pill Says:
   March 20th, 2009 at 1:05 pm

   […] hinge on any external condition, whether that’s a partner, a sunny day, a childhood fear, or a busy work schedule. Now, repeat after me: easier said than done. We’ll get there, but […]